Dr. Deadly's Book Club

Dear Dr. Deadly,

My boyfriend is hiding something. I saw a text alert on his phone that started with Hi Mark, but his name is Ryan. He opened it and deleted it so fast, I couldn’t read more. I asked him about it, and he said it was spam. But I know he was lying. We’ve been together almost a year, and I trust him and see him as my rock. I love him. But now I feel like I’m living in a thriller novel, and it won’t end well for me.

What should I do?

Sadly Suspicious

Dear Sadly Suspicious,

You’re between your rock and a hard place, and Dr. Deadly feels for you. But as your emotions fizz up, keep your thoughts in order.

It’s good that you asked him about it, straight out. If you don’t believe his answer, start by listening to your gut. It won’t always be right, but it’s usually wise to begin there. It’s also good to tell someone – diplomatically – when their words don’t ring true. You’re lying, you #!*&#!!!! is not diplomatic. I noticed you looked away, and I feel like there’s more to the story is a better example.

Observe his reactions, and take them as data points. And then, dear Sadly, look for a few more data points. Not to the obsessive ends of the earth, but a few. First: search your own memory banks. You say you trust him after your almost-year together. Has your gut ever nudged you in past moments with Ryan? Under what circumstances has he ever lied to you, or told you partial truths? Patterns are important in understanding behavior.

And then there’s the whole trust-but-verify idea, which Dr. Deadly supports in small quantities. Searching your boyfriend’s phone once a week for the rest of your days together is a recipe for a vat of anxiety – and poisoning the relationship. Doing it once, when your alarm bells are ringing, could be common sense. (Though if your alarm bells ring more than once in a relationship, get some help thinking through whether it’s a sign your partner may not be trustworthy, or whether you have trouble trusting partners.)

Let’s look at crime fiction for insight. Two books come to mind: Gillian McAllister’s Famous Last Words and Ruth Ware’s One Perfect Couple. Both novels feature partners with secrets.

The tone of Famous Last Words is seriously gripping, as a wife learns her seemingly kind-natured husband has taken people hostage, while One Perfect Couple captures the delicious drama of reality TV, as the tensions among and between couples being filmed on an island explodes into murder.

No spoilers here, but there are a bunch of troubled relationships between the pair of novels, with mistruths tangling their roots. They range from lies of omission meant – at least in part – to protect a partner, all the way up to the kind of gaslighting that goes alongside manipulation and abuse. One end of the spectrum is obviously quite different from the other.

It can be hard to gather data to know where your situation might lie on the spectrum, dear Sadly, but do the best you can without breaking any laws, or eroding your own sanity. When in doubt, if there are people in your life with reliable judgment, run it all past them for a second or third opinion.

Good luck, and trust your gut…then try to verify.

Yours truly,

Dr. Deadly